I joined another site. So now I am a member of two, count them, TWO online dating sites. I still am having a hard time accepting that this is the only way for me to find romance. I expect that the rest of the world should have the same guttural feeling of- “oh my goodness, no! Isn’t there any other way?!?!” that I am having. I expect that when people find out I will be shunned. I expect them to look embarrassed, avoid eye contact, and change the subject.

But they don’t.

Every time I have “confessed” to a friend or co-worker the reaction is completely the opposite.

“Wow! Good for you for putting yourself out there! I’m so proud of you!”

Really????

Or there is a complete non-reaction. And lets be honest, I find the non reaction even more infuriating then if I was shunned and ridiculed.

“Oh. Cool. What are you having for lunch today?”

SO PEOPLE:

REACT WITH ME!!!

IT’S RIDICULOUS, SHAMEFUL, EVEN OBSCENE THAT I WOULD HAVE TO STOOP TO THIS LEVEL!!!

Isn’t it?...

But now I have new motivation.

Going into this venture, while completely mortified, I was also incredibly optimistic.

I thought to myself, “Finally, I am going to get my love live going!”

And now it has been 5 weeks, and I am so over it.

But I rediscovered an old flame in the process.

Writing.

I love it. And I love that you all love to read it.

My friend, Denise, said to me, “Linda, you’re using these poor boys!”

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I am exploiting every single one of them in this process.

But when I join a site and get handle names like this sending me “flirts” how can I help it?

• alottabeef (raised on a farm loves horses occupation-agriculture/forestry)
• porkchop
• ilovethelord
• balanceyourlife
• obiphilkenobi (this one took me a minute to figure out...)
• fun1slc
• bluedragon
• nomoviesonafirstdate (not the man for me, as that is a favorite activity)
• swirlywonder (cannot figure out the meaning- unless he was bullied a lot?)
• blahblahblahblah

THIS LAST ONE IS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE

• Afrikid (the only black guy I’ve seen on the site)

Have a good week!! Here's a little something to entertain. It's been a long week, and I know sometimes we all just need to smile...

(for those less computer savvy- aka MOM- click on the picture- it's a link)

One month in to this experiment, and here are the stats:

Total Matches Recieved: 142 (I know, I was suprised at that number as well...)

Total started communication with: 24

Total in “open communication” aka emaling: 9

Total that I’ve had multiple exchanges with: 1

Total that I’ve had multiple exchanges with and cyber dumped me: 1 (I was actually sad!!)

Total Dates: 0

I’m thinking that there is a reason that these guys are on here, and not already in relationships. (I know, I’m on it too, but right now we’re sticking to the guys.)

They just can’t take it to the next level.

One such fellow has asked what weekend plans I have. I’ll replied, oh working this time, but this time it’s up in the air- yadda yadda yadda.

I’m thinking to myself, “Yes! This is code! You are finding out when I am free so that you can ask me out!"

But then he replied, “Oh, I’m doing this, I hope you have fun!” And I didn't hear from him for a week.

And he has asked MULTIPLE times if I’ve ever done online dating before, and have I had success.

Now what I want to answer is, “You fool!! How can I have success with guys like you!! And if I HAD enjoyed a succesful stint on an online site, why in the world would I still be on this site talking to YOU?!?!

What I actually answered was something along the lines of, “This is my first time joining! ; )”

Now, my mother says that I am a little mean to these boys. She says that if someone is a “foreman” they may very well still have a BA in psycology, communications, music, English, history...etc. I told her that doesn’t excuse him from being articulate. I told her that I’m not mean- just truthful.

(she also pointed out that one of my posts had a typo, after I was mocking someone for their own inadequacies in that department... Anybody want to be my Editor??)

My sister, Rachel, has said that we will know when I’ve found “the one” because I wont be mean.

Back To School

I’m seeing the hustle and bustle while everyone gets ready to start a new school year. Thinking back on my own schooling, I realize that my High School Dance experiences should have been clues that I would be in the predicament that I am today.

JUNIOR PROM:

Chris G.

He was incredibly smart, and a little bit smarmy, but always interesting. He made me feel special because he wouldn’t have taken an interest in me if he didn’t think I was a little smart as well. There were several times while with him that his high brow, intellectual humor would go completely over my head, but I would fake it and pretend I knew what in the world he was talking about.

He would, on occasion, drive me home from school.

I remember one such drive....

Chris: Are you going to Prom?

Me: No.

Chris: Do you want to go?

Me: I don’t know, I haven’t really thought about it. I guess if someone asked me...

Chris: I meant, do you want to go with me?

(yes, I am that dense...)

Me: ...Oh... OK... Sure...

And we went. I remember being nervous because what if he liked me in “that way” and I didn’t reciprocate? What would I do??

I shouldn’t have worried.

This is before my Gay-dar had been actualized.

Clues I shouldn’t have been worried:

1. We were in Drama Club together
2. He was an extra in Newsies.

SENIOR HOMECOMING:

Brian M.

My memories of the evening include:

• It was a blind date- we had never seen or talked to each other before (and I don’t remember who even set us up or why??)
• We went to dinner with a large group of people, and he didn’t sit by me
• We never spoke more than a few words
• He wore a spiked collar necklace at one point in the evening

SENIOR SADIE HAWKINS:

Me and my best friend, Jessica, asked 2 boys from our church to come with us. If I remember correctly, they were FRESHMAN at the time... (sadly, can’t find a picture...)

SENIOR PROM:

Nathaniel J.

He made me feel beautiful and he made me feel interesting and he made me feel talented- another Drama Geek, who was often my scene partner, he was in my Drama classes all 4 years. And yes, is now totally gay. He is currently doing some very cutting edge theater in San Francisco.

Fast Forward 15 years and here I am. Are you shocked that after one child, a spike wearing stranger, and going 2 for 2 with gay prom dates that I am now online seeking love?

p.s. College wasn't much better.. These were my 2 best friends that I hung out with the most....

I don't think I need to say any more. This picture pretty much says it all.

Patterns Emerge...

I’m thinking I need to revisit my personality profile questionnaire that I took when I first signed up for the dating website.

I am noticing some strange patterns emerging in the matches I am receiving.

Pattern #1:

There are a lot of guys on here that talk about how often they Work Out. I put it in CAPITOL LETTERS because that is how they mean it when they are informing us. I am a Tough Guy. I Work Out. Now, granted, I work out too- 4-5 times a week!! My trainer, Ramiro, made me puke this morning at the gym!! (don’t worry, he said, because he does that to himself at least twice a month in his own workouts...Yikes.)

I've even seen the Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, Pumping Iron!!

MULTIPLE TIMES!! (the things we do to impress a guy...)

But I usually just work out. I don’t Work Out. And lets not be fooling ourselves- as it clearly states in the 2002 Sundance festival feature film starring America Fererra,

Real Women Have Curves.

And friends, I am a real woman.

There is a section on the profile page where it asks what 4 things friends would say about you if asked- #1 response that these guys have given is “physically fit.”

That is totally what all of you would say about me, right??..... Right?......

Yeah, I know. I put these 4:

• Happy
• Genuine
• Easy-Going
• Loyal

Pattern #2:

Blue Collar Jobs. I have been matched daily with more than one guy listing the following occupations: foreman for an excavation company, Welding and Fabrication, self employed, construction, hot metals tech, 911 Dispatcher.

Now, these are good, honest, hard working men.

But I have a bit of a problem.

I’m kind of a snob...

I asked one of them what he did for a living, and got this response:

“I work the swing shift at Trainer... If one of the 2 details has problem with there tickets... I'm either really busy with traing, refresh/new hire project or i have alot of time on my hands... I've had a lot my hands past couple of weeks.... But Aug should be supper busy though...”

(don’t speed read this- read the words as he writes them. I copied and pasted as is.... It’s like the back of my latest Bollywood DVD that gives a synopsis of the film: “PITAAH is a father, is that faced of male personality which right from a child to an adult identifies within the ocean of humanity called “The World.” PITTAH is a story of one such father.” I’m not kidding, that’s what it says. I love Bollywood...)

Now, if this guy turns out to be the love of my life, as a disclaimer I would like to say, Dear- I love you, you’re wonderful, and I am sooooo lucky to have you in my life! ...But I don’t know what the hell your talking about. Reading and writing are two of my passions in life. And they are obviously not in yours...

My sister gave me a shirt once that said on it, “I’ll be a bit nicer if you’ll be a bit smarter.”

Can you see why?

I Like Your Shoes...?

A few days ago, while passing in the food court, a random younger boy at the mall told me that he liked my shoes. I mean, they’re great shoes, I know, what's not to like... But he didn’t seem like the type that would care or notice. His shoes: some horrific athletic sneaker. His top: an oversized Jazz tank jersey.

In seemingly unrelated, but very much related news:

One of my online correspondents told me that I had a nice smile.

(oh they joys of picking only the best and most flattering pictures to post... this one in particular is my main picture on my profile home page.)

I wrote back asking if there was an emoticon to represent blushing.

(is there, cyber world?)

: " )

=: )

And he wrote back, bless his wonderful heart, and said,

“Why would you blush?

Guys must tell you that all the time!”

.... lets pause to soak that one in....

I’m here to tell you, they do not.

And I told him so.

But I also informed him that my shoes were recently complimented-

so that is something, right?

AND HERE IS THE MAGICAL MOMENT WHEN THE STORIES COME TOGETHER:

He confessed to me that when in High School he and his friends would use shoes as code word for the ladies derrière.

I’ve never heard this before.

But now I’m wondering?

Was the guy at the mall telling me that I had a nice A$$?

Were shoes simply a euphemism???

Regardless of the answer, lets just say the shoes may have a short shelf life with the way I wear shoes out, but the jeans I had on that day may have just got another day in the rotation...

I was watching the season finale of the Bachelorette on Monday night, and wondering about Ali and why she doesn’t have a better stylist or ever brush her hair, and wondering why in the world she didn't choose Chris L, and wondering when I’ll be able to stay in a hut in Bali.

Now, I know this is not the most highbrow form of entertainment,

but it is intriguing nonetheless. (who’s excited for Bachelor Pad?!?!)

I had an epiphany watching that night.

I am having my own personal season of the Bachelorette.

I even have my own audience- all of you readers, of course (all 5 of you...) and some select few who I gave my log in and password to on my dating site, so they can sufficiently weigh in on the matter, as they live in different states and can’t sit next to me while I peruse the many match profiles.

Right now I am still on the group date phase.

I’m in the “communicating” phase with 20 guys!

Some are duds, some are crazy, some I get mixed up with each other, and some totally stand out. Some are on a higher level of communication (meaning that we are actually sending emails, instead of answering prefabricated multiple choice questions.)

Like the show captions, I categorize them in my mind by their profession.

Wayne- Nurse.

Marc- Dentist.

Mitch- IT

I even sent a “nudge” to one of them- basically a cyber flirt-

first impression rose, anyone?

With others, I have hit the “archive” button. This is basically my virtual rose ceremony.

I can just picture Chris Harrison coming into my condo as I’m about to hit the “confirm” button on my computer to archive the last dud... I mean, dude...

“Gentleman... Linda.... This is the final rose...”

(that’s always my favorite part, for some reason.

I love that Chris Harrison says it each time with such gravity and intensity.

I wonder if ever has out-takes for this line,

or if he nails it every time on the first take).

And then -bam- I hit “confirm” and the dud.. er, dude... goes to cyber limbo. (sorry- seen Inception too many times... Have limbo on the brain...too many pop references for you? Welcome to my life).

Chris Harrison- “Linda, take a moment and say your goodbyes.”

This is when I go into the “archived” list, look at the poor schmuck one more time, and actually close the match. This is the cyber-dump.

I feel mean doing it.

I had one guy do it to me only once, and I obsessed all day around what his reasonings were.

But you have to do it.

After all, I’m in it for the right reasons. I’m here to find love. I gave up so much to be here (I mean, a whole $15 a month! Think how many Diet Cokes that could buy me!)

oh how I love Bachelor cliché's

So hopefully we’ll get some one on one dates soon....

Ladies and Gentleman, we have a winner...

Meet David.

This is what David had to say about himself...

One thing he is most thankful for:

Irish Dance

How he spends his leisure time:

Dancing

The most influential person in his life:

His Irish Dance instructor

The last book he read:

"Lord of the Rings- Fantasy, and paradigm for life itself." (David's words, not mine)