Tuesday, June 23, 2015


When you live 36 years as a single person, there is a strange thing that happens.
There are huge important chunks of your life that your future someone will be completely unaware of through firsthand experience.  They will not have lived life with you, they will only get the retelling, which is forever clouded by time and emotion.

My someone will never know my Dad, how he was larger than life, loud, bold, with an amazing singing voice, and whip smart.
My someone will never know my Step-Dad, scholar, poet, kind to the end. They will never know how he suffered, or how my tiny mom cared for him.
My someone will never know Retail Linda, working nights and holidays, and loving and slaving for a company and ideal. They will never know those 15 years of Stockholm Syndrome fueled servitude, loving it, hating it, needing it.
My someone will never know a lot of things.

I went to the dermatologist a few weeks ago and had a big ghastly mole removed. It was smack dab in the middle of my back, jutting out awkwardly, out if sight and reach from me, but always a cause for concern and angst in the summer months. I told the dermatologist that it was time- it needed to go. And after the knife quickly sliced it away, and as I saw the familiar shape of this strange protrusion being held in tweezers in front of me for the first time, I got strangely sad. 

My someone will never know that mole.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015


36, when you tell people that is how old you are turning and you can see in their eyes. They are thinking, "wow, that is older than I thought..."

36, when you are officially closer to 40 than 30.

36, when medically they say your eggs start dying exponentially.

36, when a best friend tells you in all seriousness to consider freezing your eggs.

36, when you have friends done with having kids.

36, when your mom had you, and you were the 6th child.

36, when you never thought you'd still be alone.

36, when people have learned to stop asking about your dating life.

36 different times you've tried online dating sites.

36, when you look at pictures of men and think, "Wow, that dude is old." And then you realize you are older than them.

36 times you've watched You've Got Mail.

36 seasons of the Bachelor that you keep watching because CHRIS HARRISON! And LOVE!!

36% of your DVR filled with things you know you're never going to watch, but you can't delete them. You may get to the last two seasons of The Originals, right?

36, where you enter a new demographic, and are no longer in the coveted 18-35 TV viewing range, but your TV viewing habits are in the 12-18 range (hello, CW Network, I'm looking at you) so it's fine.

36 books sitting in a pile for you to read, but you have to do homework instead.

36 dollars (or thereabouts) spent for your Hulu+, Netflix, and Pandora accounts each month.

36 times a day that you pet Mandrake. With your foot. Because that cat is Guano Crazy.

36 times a day you are glad you don't work retail full time.

36 pairs of shoes in your closet, but you wear three.

36 times you looked at new shoes online, just in case. 

36 pounds you wish you could loose. 

36 days without Diet Coke, and no you don't feel better, and no you haven't lost weight, and yes maybe it's okay if it is eating your insides out when you drink it, because really what is the point of not drinking it?

36 days without sugar, except for that one time you couldn't handle it anymore and started eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon, and then that other time that you were at Swig for the first time and you HAD to get the sugar cookie. And you ate the whole thing. And then you wanted to puke. And you haven't lost weight and maybe it's okay if it is eating your insides out when you eat it, because really what is the point of not eating it?

36, when you never imagined you'd be getting a Masters Degree. In Business. Because you still aren't quite sure how to spell business. (Thank you spell check).

36 more years till you pay off student loans.

36, when you support yourself and make a good living.

36, when you still feel like you're 22. But you're not.

36 times you laughed at yourself. Today.

36, when you have to think about how old you are when someone asks.

36 -the age that has no songs about it, but for some strange reason 23 has TONS- Dave Matthews Band, Blink 182, Incubus, just to name a few- and you wish you knew why 23 was significant, and did you realize 23 was significant when you were 23, and you wish you can make 36 significant.

36 days until the Tan-orexia really starts to set in, and the computer sun shade comes out of storage.

36 days until you were supposed to be born, and  you are really glad that you aren't a "midget Cretin" like the doctor told your parents you would be, but really couldn't they have stopped praying for you to grow big and strong at a future balance of like 5'4" and 120 lbs?

36 times you obsessively check to see how many people read a post after you publish it, and you wonder who reads it, and why, and you don't think you're that interesting really, but you try to make yourself interesting, and you want them to laugh. To think. To be entertained for a moment or two.

36 birthday's celebrated with friends and loved ones because your BFF gives you lectures about self promotion and making things happen for your birthday, and she will be so mad at you if you just stay at home, an ostrich with your head buried in the sand alone, like you are naturally inclined to do.

36 years of loss, learning, fun, adventure, friends, family, cats, clothes, stories both read and shared.

36 years of a pretty good life, and now waiting to see what the next year will bring. 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

What Grade are you Getting in Life?

2014. The year of the Buzzfeed quiz. Clogging up your Facebook newsfeed even more than the baby pictures of your college friends, they were the new Myers Brigs. The new Color Code. The new strength finder. Learn your deepest desires and dreams and who you really are by taking a Buzzfeed quiz.  They look into your SOUL...

I am an ISFP (Introvert 44%, Sensing 50%, Feeling 50%, Perceiving 89%), a white mixed with a yellow, and an Adaptor. 

And thanks to the Buzzfeed quiz onslaught, I also know other insightful things about myself and my interaction with the world.

Mindy Kahling. Which is amazing because I love her. Read her books. Watch her show.  Liz Lemmon and Leslie Knope have left me, and now I have Mindy Lahiri. (On Hulu, thank goodness. I mean what happened when Danny went to India?!)

It’s a Small World, because I always have a smile on my face!! 
(that means my work on my R.B.F. is paying off...Follow the link... It's a true struggle...)

Not that big...

Duh. Wisdom, insight, humor. Brilliant.

Stefan, of course. The "best friend." And, you know, if Caroline can't work out her issues, I'm available Stefan...

What Harry Potter book are You?

I mean, Buzzfeed was really looking into my soul here. Because HBP is my FAVORITE. AND they even chose the greatest quote EVER for the picture. I have a bracelet that I almost never take off with this very quote.

And then: 

...an F.

Last fall I took this quiz, and I got An F!!!!

I got an effing F in LIFE…

In my schooling I have never received an F. Mostly A’s, a few B’s, a C in PE (Never an athlete, this one...) but NEVER an F.  As a teacher my mom would say that those who received F’s in her class were actively working towards getting a bad grade.

Guess what.

I just retook the test.

My grade=


All grades just posted for my first semester in Graduate School. Straight B's, baby! I've never been so pleased at mediocrity in my life. As one classmate said, "B's get degrees!"

But it felt really good to get an A in something.

Thursday, April 30, 2015

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish...

Behold, I give you the fishermen of the Salt Lake Valley. 

I know it's not a Monday, but a gal will do anything to procrastinate studying for finals, as I did last night.

Like collect fish pictures from friends.


As aforementioned, I hate fish. I think fish are terrible. 
Probably one of my favorite things on earth is swimming in the ocean, but if you want to give me a panic attack have me put on some snorkel gear to see what's underneath.

I don't need to know that they are there. We can just peacefully coexist, them slithering below, and me bobbing on top. 

And don't even get me started on eating them...


With all of these amazing pictures, it does beg the question, what is it about fish that compels all of these men to post pictures of them?


Here are my working theories:
  • They are super outdoorsy
  • They love to fish
  • They are showing that they can provide during the Apocalypse
  • Hitch told them that women like guys that fish
  • There are directions when men join Tinder instructing them to post a fish picture
  • SLC is very Christian so they are just showing actual representation of a man taught to fish
  • It's some sort of phallic Freudian euphemism


Before all y'all get all up in arms with thoughts like, "Linda! They are all perfectly nice men! Why don't you go out with ALL of them!!" 
Remember- I'm not on any dating site right now. 

Who the hell has time for that AND work AND graduate school? 

I've always said online sites are a part time job with the time and energy you have to invest. And I've chosen to invest my time and energy elsewhere.

You know, I'm investing my time in work and school and a blog that like 10 people read and over an hour to blur out faces and names... 

Priorities, people. Priorities. 

If you are going to talk to me about fish, this is the only thing I would be interested in...

Monday, April 27, 2015

The Economics of Online Dating, or, Why I Will Never Do Online Dating Again

I will most likely not do online dating again. I mean, never say never, but I feel pretty good about the decision in this moment.  And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it is because of all of the pictures of men with fish out there, and I hate fish.
(Seriously. All. Fish. I have a friend who has begun collecting the pictures of the guys holding fish. Do single straight guys think girls like a guy who can fish? My brother-in-law is an avid fisherman, and he is awesome... But still.  Way too many pictures of fish. )

Fish aside, I have learned some things being in school for four months.
Not many things, but some.

I currently have an A in my Econ class, which means all you farmers need to chain down your pigs. I believe I can do this sort of math because it also comes with a picture and a story, so my left brained mind can get past the right brain number struggle.  But with that A I have learned about basic supply and demand. And I've learned that in a community that struggles to get on with it, online dating is the absolute worst thing we could do. And yet, we all do it.

It used to have a stigma. Even five years ago when I jumped in full force I was embarrassed to tell people. It was a last resort measure for the non-dater.  But now if you have a single friend they have tried something. I guarantee they have a current Tinder account. (They also have at least 10 dreadful stories from said Tinder account, ranging from the  the most ridiculous like my friend who had a guy- take her to Little Caesars for a $5 hot and ready pizza...And he wouldn't pay the extra $2 for the deep dish...Or crazy bread!! Or the completely inappropriate, like the guy that told me about his open marriage, and how he is interested in mutual masturbation... That's when I deleted the app. Enough is enough.)

What I've learned with my current A in Economics (Finals are in two days, so it could all come crashing down) but I've learned that this online system is flawed.

Basic Supply and Demand.

As the quantity of an item increases, the Demand goes down. Consumers don't really want it as much any more, because it is so available. It's easy. It's there.  Any online option has multitudes of choices. So. Many. Choices. And because you know there is somebody else just a right swipe away, you care a little less.

Also going down with quantity increase?  That item's value.  The value that the consumer esteems this item at plummets, the higher the quantity.

As the quantity supplied goes up that also means there are more producers in the market. And with more producers, that means that some of the people producing aren't as efficient. Because there is so much room in the market, anyone can join. Even people in an open marriage who propose all sorts of inappropriate things. Or people who love Hot & Ready's. Or people with pictures of fish.

And if there is less efficiency, and a lower value placed on who is in there, if the interest level has decreased then why would I subject myself to that? I used to think it was a good process.  And it has it's perks. Since I deleted all accounts, I haven't been on a single date.

But I want quality, not quantity. I want something with value, not something cheap.
I want someone to think I'm awesome, not just wonder if there may be someone else more interesting/pretty/smart/insert trait here, and then just go back to the search pool to find them. With that much choice, and so many options, there is nothing meaningful. Nothing special.

If you want something fleeting, something meaningless, it is the right track to take. But we know that's not what I'm after.  I've yet to figure out how I will meet single men otherwise. I thought leaving a matriarchal retail store would help me meet men, but then I ended up working from home. I thought starting graduate school would help me meet men, but as it turns out an MBA program has a lot of married men. (And leave it to me to have my closest male friend in the program be the gay one.)

Maybe I just need to take up fishing.

Monday, April 20, 2015

The Top 7 Ways to Have a Popular Blog

1. Post stylistic photos with kids, and call them "littles."

TRUTH: He's not my kid. He's my kick-ass nephew. And for some reason the word "littles" is like nails down  the chalkboard for me. Seriously. Who started that? Please. Stop.

2. Start Trolling and say something controversial.

TRUTH: This shirt just makes me laugh. Posting this on Facebook once, I actually got some people that got into Political tirades. (HILLARY 2016!!)  Please know, the shirt is just worn to bed, and in all honesty, is too small...  And for the record, I'd go out with anyone of any political persuasion. (He just can't be listening to Glenn Beck while he buries gold in his back yard and stockpiles an arsenal in his basement. I've gotta draw the line somewhere... I used that line once in an email to someone I met online, thinking I was hilarious. He responded by explaining the value of gold these days, and facts on the Second Amendment.)

3. Post about all the trips you go on.

TRUTH: I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the adventures I've been on, but 90% of them have been solo, and I'd rather be spending that time WITH someone.  I'd trade a trip to Paris any day for an evening in SLC with a special someone.... Well, maybe not Paris...

4. Post Selfies. LOTS and LOTS of Selfies.

TRUTH: see #3. Because usually there's nobody else to even be in the picture.
Two words: Selfie Stick.

5. Cats. Because, internet+cats= sensation.

TRUTH: Duh. My blogs namesake in all his furry glory.

6. Have an OOTD- (Outfit Of The Day, for the layman)

TRUTH: I love clothes. LOVE THEM. I buy way too many, and I'll continue to do so. When I was in Junior High my mom started promising that me and my sisters each got a new outfit once a month.  That, combined with 17 years working in retail, and I'm a goner. That being said, most people don't look like the people who post an OOTD.  Most people look a little more awkward. Plus, all my best outfits involve sweats of some sort these days. Plus I don't want you to care what I wear.
TRUTH: I'd rather entertain you. I want to make you laugh.

7. Have some sort of list and hope Buzzed will pick it up.