(this is an actual picture of the actual place that I speak of in this next post. Did you know I love love love the internet???)

And now to Linda Marie's Action Adventure Movie...

The day started innocently enough. (as they often do in action adventure movies).  I was having a Pleasant Day in Pleasant Grove. Catching up with my sister and nieces on the goings on of a new school year, watching movies; completely vegging out. I rarely have a Saturday off work, and I was enjoying it immensely.

We went to In-N-Out for dinner, and I naively thought that would be the apex of excitement for the day. (Looking back I do not regret my decision to opt FOR the Chocolate Shake. I needed those extra calories to keep my energy up...).

Now over the course of the evening my oldest sister, ever the encouraging (PUSHY!) person that she is (I am the youngest, after all) said, "Linda, you MUST contact this particular boy. Give it one more chance." The boy in question hadn't answered some recent communication in talking about an actual face to face meeting. She said, "Text him one more time! Tell him you're in Utah County, and ask what he's doing!"

"FINE!" I said. She said my reluctance stemmed from fear. I say it was complete exasperation. I am losing patience with these guys!!!

But then- SURPRISE- I got an actual response that apologized for aforementioned non calls/non texts and said, "Want to go to the Hot Springs? We're leaving in 15 minutes!"

Cut to 15 minutes later being dropped off by my sister at his house. (details too long to tell why she was dropping me off- but definitely added to the ridiculous situation I found myself in. Felt like a Junior High student. Wouldn't be the first time that night...)

My niece, along for the drive, asked after I left if it was safe for them to just drop me off at a random persons house. My sister said, "Oh yes, she's fine. But just in case, look at him and see if you think he looks like a nice guy."

(what kind of lessons am I teaching my teenage nieces??? Because you can totally tell just by looking at someone???)

Her answer: "Well he looks like my friends Dad. And his Dad is nice, so I guess this guy's OK."

Throughout this post I will be giving you reasons why I will not go out with this guy ever again. Just one or two of them would not merit such a harsh judgement (well, with me it probably would, but let's pretend it wouldn't) but the sum total of the experience made it a sure thing.

So there I am. Never met the guy. And I spontaneously show up at his house. There was a group of 4 other people besides the 2 of us, all his good friends. 

REASON #1 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: Overall word to describe his house/ his appearance- slovenly.

7 PM: Introductions are made, and we pile into the car and head up Spanish Fork Canyon. 

REASON #2 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: He didn't sit by me in the car. There was some conversation, but it was a little awkward having those first date questions tossed back at you (where are you from, where did you go to school, what do you do) from the front seat, while a car full of people listens, and participates. 

REASON #3 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: He wants to be a film maker and is working on a movie he wrote that is "a post apocalyptic comedy about people living in an insane asylum."

Now- if any of you have ever gone to the Spanish Fork hot springs, you will know a couple of things:

1. It is a long windy drive to get there. Nobody had been there before in the car, and we had to turn around several times. By the time we got to the trail head I was incredibly car sick.

2. It is a LONG and TREACHEROUS hike to get to the hot springs. And by the time we got to the trail head the sun was already down.

8:30 PM: At the trailhead. We had one waning flashlight. Nobody had water. I had flip-flops on. Not the most prepared group. 

I tend to use hyperbole as a literary device in my writing, but please understand that when I say the trail was LONG and TREACHEROUS I am only stating literal fact. It took us an hour and a half to get to the springs. And hour and a half hike, up steep rocky hills, on a narrow trail, that dropped off on one side to a ravine about 30 feet down, in the pitch black night, in flip-flops. 

REASON #4 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: As he wheezed up the trail behind me he really paid me no mind, and didn't try to engage in much conversation at all. Aren't we there together to get to know one another?

Upon reflection, I said it was Action Adventure, but really, it could have been the opening to any number of Horror Films.

PLOT: Unsuspecting girl goes deep into the woods in the pitch black night with complete strangers for what she thinks will be a fun evening (although, lets be honest, at this point I was already doubtful- see reasons 1-4). 

If you were watching this on screen you would be yelling at me, "YOU FOOL!! TURN BACK NOW!!!"

Would that I could have listened to such advice...

10 PM: Arrive at Hot Springs. I have no bathing suit (remember, I was spontaneously dropped off). So I sat on a ledge and put my feet in (which did feel good, as they were achy, scratched, and bruised).

REASON #5 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN:  The group proceeds to de-robe (yes, they all had bathing suits, THANK GOODNESS!) and sit in the pool FAR from the side in a tight circle. Exclude much, kids? It was also very loud there, as many waterfalls are pouring from one pool to the next. So not only were they far away, I couldn't hear a thing they were saying. And nobody tried to include me in any conversation.

REASON #6 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: This scenario lasted for AN HOUR!!  I am, again, being literal here. To pass the time I stared up at the stars looking for constellations, thought about my day, thought about my week, thought about work. Finally I thought, maybe they think I'm not trying or not participating. Maybe I should try harder to listen. Which brings me to...

REASON #7 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: I realized they were playing Truth Or Dare. (Second Junior High moment of the evening!!) Said game included things such as people licking each others faces, and an awkward 3 person kiss.

11:15 PM:  He finally comes over to me and talks to me for 10-15 minutes.

REASON #8 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: Really? 15 minutes? Because that is going to make up for ignoring me all night? And it will take away the burning in my eyes from seeing the licking and kissing?

11:30 PM: Everyone is still in the Hot Spring. I am beyond done. The conversation has stopped. He has gotten out, but isn't talking to me. 

So I turned to him and said, in my meanest sassiest voice (which turns out I can actually produce- who knew??)

"So at what point am I allowed to be the total Bitch and say its time to go because I have to drive to Salt Lake tonight?" 

As his eyes widened he said, "No. I can be the bitch." And told everyone to get out.

11:45 PM: We head down the trail. The flashlight beam is waning. He's still wheezing, even downhill. I'm imagining disaster scenarios and what my plan of attack will be. 

If the flashlight goes out: we'll just walk slow. Our eyes will adjust, even though there is no moon that night. 

If someone twists their ankle on the rocky terrain: I am a really good piggy-back ride giver (my 6 yr old nephew says it's my best talent, and I even dropped him once!).

If Old Wheezy behind me passes out: There are enough other people on the trail that present as experienced outdoors people. They would help us. 

12:30 AM: A disaster almost happens as the other girl in the group slips on a ledge, and almost plummets to her death. Luckily, one of the guys had quick reflexes (not my guy) and grabbed her arm. So there he is clutching her one hand, as her feet dangle down a steep, deep ravine with a rocky bottom. One of the other guys (again, not my guy) helped pull her up. She showed me her leg when we got to the bottom, and it looked like it had been chewed up. She was incredibly nonchalant about the whole thing. I, on the other hand, was about to freak out. 

1 AM: We finally get to the car. With cell phone reception returned coming out of the canyon, I text my sister to tell her I have not been abducted, and am on my way back to her house. "I was beginning to worry!" she texted. "Are you OK?" 

"Yes. Just glad to be on my way back."

Understatement of the century. 

1:30 AM: We go to 7-11 as everyone is parched. 

REASON #9 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: He did not offer to buy me even a small bottle of water. And in fact didn't even really talk to me in the convenience store, except at one point, trying to be funny, when he said, "Oh! That's what you look like!" (as we were in the dark most of the night).

Yep. This is what I look like. And I am damn cute, and you will never see me again, and it is totally your loss. 

Never mind what I was thinking about what he looked like...

1:35 AM: The entire group stays in the car and drives me back to Pleasant Grove.

2 AM: We pull up to my sisters house. As I got out of the car (no move made by him to get out, walk me to the door, anything) I said to the group, "Thank you for what was quite the adventure, and is sure to be an incredibly memorable evening."

And I shut the door. And I went inside.

There, my cute sister (albeit pushy) was curled up on the couch with a blanket waiting for me. (she was taking much credit for getting us together at the beginning of the night, as we met because of her insistence, and she drove me to his house... Since then, she has fallen silent on her level of involvement in the matter... But she did wait up 'till 2 am. Then listened to me rant and rave even longer. So all is forgiven.)

So. 

That was my Action/Horror/Whatever You Want To Call It Adventure Date.

REASON #10 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: Even my mother, who is the most forgiving (I say undiscerning, she says open minded) out of anyone when it comes to this experiment of mine says that I am never allowed to go out with him again.