Liz Lemmon

Do you watch 30 Rock? 


Because if you do, you would understand how me and Liz Lemmon have many similarities, a fact pointed out to me on occasion by close friends. 


So I kind of have a fantasy of finding an Astronaut Mike Dexter on one of my web sites....So sue me....


You can look her up on Wikipedia and it says this:
"Liz is generally portrayed as something of a geek, so although apparently a skilled writer, she seems to have precious few social skills...
Jack has described her as "socially retarded." 
Liz has tried using Match.com to find a boyfriend. 
She does have some knowledge of cooking, though she admits to only using her oven to warm her jeans in the morning. 
It has become apparent that Lemon has very high standards in men, personified in her imaginary perfect husband, "Astronaut Mike Dexter"." 


Sound like anyone you know? It's like Tina Fey is watching me as she writes her scripts...


In the most recent episodes Liz Lemmon is dating none other than Matt Damon- who is playing a dazzling, albeit awkward, airline Pilot. 


So imagine my surprise and delight when, while sitting at the airport this evening to fly to Los Angeles and visit my sister, an incredibly good looking Pilot chose to sit by ME when waiting for the flight! 
There were many available seats, and even many seats that weren't by people. I also had my feet up on my suitcase, making quite the obstacle to be around me. He asked to step around it, then asked to sit by me. 
Well, Duh. 

He proceeded to pull out an iphone with a super cracked screen.
"Oh no! Your poor phone!" I said. (yes, be proud of me, trying to start up a conversation with the hot Pilot! Yet, I wonder if that wasn't the right approach, as I was obviously being very nosy, looking at what he was doing, and looking down at his phone while he was messing with it...) 


"Yes. Unfortunately, there isn't an app to fix this problem," he answered.
And he's FUNNY too!!! I mean, he's not going to host a special on Comedy Central, but I love stupid humor!
But all that followed this exchange was 


....silence....


I was about to give up on him. To completely immerse and lose myself in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly. 


And then:


"So where are you headed?" he asked.
And we proceeded to have a very pleasant conversation.
But then he inexplicably, and somewhat abruptly got up, said excuse me, and walked over towards the flight attendant desk, never to be seen or heard from again. 


Yet I feel, that in true Liz Lemmon/Linda Marie form, he may have sensed my anxiety/geekishness when it comes to talking to strangers, especially good looking ones who seek me out. 


Perhaps it was when I asked him if he was a flight attendant? (and I asked this while desperately trying to read his badge, so I know I had a squinty awful expression when I said it.)


Perhaps it was my telling him what a nervous flyer I am? (after stumbling over lame questions about Pilot school...)


Perhaps it was when I told him I sit around on planes, discerning from the other passengers who will be good support in the event the plane goes down? (a side effect of too much LOST viewing.)


He said he was a LOST fan too! That he couldn't wait to get the latest season on DVD!

Perhaps, then, I got a little too nerdy and excited when I started talking about the exclusive content filmed just for the DVD showing Hurley and Ben as island protectors and how I couldn't wait to see it? 


That was when he got up. 


Maybe he hadn't watched Season 6 yet, and didn't know the ending?


SO- if any of you know a Pilot that works for US Airways, is stationed out of Dallas, but lives in Salt Lake City, and has LOST Season 6 in his Netflix queue, can you tell him that Linda is looking for him so she can stop suffering through these ridiculous online dating sites? 

Expectations

So- exactly 2 months in to my experiment and what do I have to show for it?...

Hmmm.....

Do you remember the scene in 500 Days of Summer where he goes to the party at Summer's house, and we have the split screen chronicling his expectations versus reality?

Going into this I had incredibly high hopes.

Here is the split screen of my expectations versus my reality.

Can you guess which is which?

This is my favorite email I have received yet.

It is from the newer site I joined, which is just kind of a mad free for all.

Anyone can contact anyone with no rhyme or reason.

So a lot depends on your profile.

That being said, here is the email I got:

"So, obviously you passed the aesthetics test or shallow men (such as myself) would never contact you, but a buddy of mine was looking over my shoulder and claimed that without a doubt your profile looked to have been written by a guy, it’s just too perfect, minus the incompletion. He claimed that any account with so little information is a dead giveaway. I came to your defense, of course, but now we’ve got a $20 bet going as to whether or not you’re real. So I wondered, just between us, am I about to lose $20?"

This cracked me up!!

I did write back and inform him that his buddy owes him $20.

Most profiles are a paragraph or so saying things like, "I am really fun and am looking for someone who is fun to be with!" and other really redundant things, that you know is the same thing everyone else wrote.

So, since I know you're all curious, here is my profile info, just as the fellas see it.

(the above picture is my main profile pic)

Greeting from LindaMarie27:

I am fun and interesting (aren't we all?) and I love to laugh.

like: burritos from Barbaccoa

dislike: Indian food

like: classic rock

dislike: country (although I did go to a Tim McGraw and Faith Hill concert and it was pretty great- I would just never chose the country station.)

like: reading

dislike: not reading

like: LOST (still in TV mourning...)

dislike: Gossip Girl

like: summer

dislike: cold (winter's alright for a little bit, but man I hate being cold)

like: my cat, Mandrake, aka "Manny"

dislike: horses- they scare the crap out of me

like: Entertainment Weekly

dislike: US Weekly

like: Ray LaMontagne

dislike: Lady Gaga

like: wearing flip flops

dislike: wearing hats- my head is too huge. They never fit.

like: The Rocket

dislike: it's a tie between The Samurai and the Wild Mouse

REASON #11 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN:

Received this text from Wheezy on Friday night this past weekend:

"Having a BBQ at my house!

You should come! : ) "

And he really is that clueless.

A friend of mine is his friend on Facebook and said that his post after our disaster date said something to the effect of, "Aren't blind dates fun!"

Wow.

(this is an actual picture of the actual place that I speak of in this next post. Did you know I love love love the internet???)

And now to Linda Marie's Action Adventure Movie...

The day started innocently enough. (as they often do in action adventure movies).  I was having a Pleasant Day in Pleasant Grove. Catching up with my sister and nieces on the goings on of a new school year, watching movies; completely vegging out. I rarely have a Saturday off work, and I was enjoying it immensely.

We went to In-N-Out for dinner, and I naively thought that would be the apex of excitement for the day. (Looking back I do not regret my decision to opt FOR the Chocolate Shake. I needed those extra calories to keep my energy up...).

Now over the course of the evening my oldest sister, ever the encouraging (PUSHY!) person that she is (I am the youngest, after all) said, "Linda, you MUST contact this particular boy. Give it one more chance." The boy in question hadn't answered some recent communication in talking about an actual face to face meeting. She said, "Text him one more time! Tell him you're in Utah County, and ask what he's doing!"

"FINE!" I said. She said my reluctance stemmed from fear. I say it was complete exasperation. I am losing patience with these guys!!!

But then- SURPRISE- I got an actual response that apologized for aforementioned non calls/non texts and said, "Want to go to the Hot Springs? We're leaving in 15 minutes!"

Cut to 15 minutes later being dropped off by my sister at his house. (details too long to tell why she was dropping me off- but definitely added to the ridiculous situation I found myself in. Felt like a Junior High student. Wouldn't be the first time that night...)

My niece, along for the drive, asked after I left if it was safe for them to just drop me off at a random persons house. My sister said, "Oh yes, she's fine. But just in case, look at him and see if you think he looks like a nice guy."

(what kind of lessons am I teaching my teenage nieces??? Because you can totally tell just by looking at someone???)

Her answer: "Well he looks like my friends Dad. And his Dad is nice, so I guess this guy's OK."

Throughout this post I will be giving you reasons why I will not go out with this guy ever again. Just one or two of them would not merit such a harsh judgement (well, with me it probably would, but let's pretend it wouldn't) but the sum total of the experience made it a sure thing.

So there I am. Never met the guy. And I spontaneously show up at his house. There was a group of 4 other people besides the 2 of us, all his good friends. 

REASON #1 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: Overall word to describe his house/ his appearance- slovenly.

7 PM: Introductions are made, and we pile into the car and head up Spanish Fork Canyon. 

REASON #2 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: He didn't sit by me in the car. There was some conversation, but it was a little awkward having those first date questions tossed back at you (where are you from, where did you go to school, what do you do) from the front seat, while a car full of people listens, and participates. 

REASON #3 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: He wants to be a film maker and is working on a movie he wrote that is "a post apocalyptic comedy about people living in an insane asylum."

Now- if any of you have ever gone to the Spanish Fork hot springs, you will know a couple of things:

1. It is a long windy drive to get there. Nobody had been there before in the car, and we had to turn around several times. By the time we got to the trail head I was incredibly car sick.

2. It is a LONG and TREACHEROUS hike to get to the hot springs. And by the time we got to the trail head the sun was already down.

8:30 PM: At the trailhead. We had one waning flashlight. Nobody had water. I had flip-flops on. Not the most prepared group. 

I tend to use hyperbole as a literary device in my writing, but please understand that when I say the trail was LONG and TREACHEROUS I am only stating literal fact. It took us an hour and a half to get to the springs. And hour and a half hike, up steep rocky hills, on a narrow trail, that dropped off on one side to a ravine about 30 feet down, in the pitch black night, in flip-flops. 

REASON #4 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: As he wheezed up the trail behind me he really paid me no mind, and didn't try to engage in much conversation at all. Aren't we there together to get to know one another?

Upon reflection, I said it was Action Adventure, but really, it could have been the opening to any number of Horror Films.

PLOT: Unsuspecting girl goes deep into the woods in the pitch black night with complete strangers for what she thinks will be a fun evening (although, lets be honest, at this point I was already doubtful- see reasons 1-4). 

If you were watching this on screen you would be yelling at me, "YOU FOOL!! TURN BACK NOW!!!"

Would that I could have listened to such advice...

10 PM: Arrive at Hot Springs. I have no bathing suit (remember, I was spontaneously dropped off). So I sat on a ledge and put my feet in (which did feel good, as they were achy, scratched, and bruised).

REASON #5 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN:  The group proceeds to de-robe (yes, they all had bathing suits, THANK GOODNESS!) and sit in the pool FAR from the side in a tight circle. Exclude much, kids? It was also very loud there, as many waterfalls are pouring from one pool to the next. So not only were they far away, I couldn't hear a thing they were saying. And nobody tried to include me in any conversation.

REASON #6 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: This scenario lasted for AN HOUR!!  I am, again, being literal here. To pass the time I stared up at the stars looking for constellations, thought about my day, thought about my week, thought about work. Finally I thought, maybe they think I'm not trying or not participating. Maybe I should try harder to listen. Which brings me to...

REASON #7 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: I realized they were playing Truth Or Dare. (Second Junior High moment of the evening!!) Said game included things such as people licking each others faces, and an awkward 3 person kiss.

11:15 PM:  He finally comes over to me and talks to me for 10-15 minutes.

REASON #8 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: Really? 15 minutes? Because that is going to make up for ignoring me all night? And it will take away the burning in my eyes from seeing the licking and kissing?

11:30 PM: Everyone is still in the Hot Spring. I am beyond done. The conversation has stopped. He has gotten out, but isn't talking to me. 

So I turned to him and said, in my meanest sassiest voice (which turns out I can actually produce- who knew??)

"So at what point am I allowed to be the total Bitch and say its time to go because I have to drive to Salt Lake tonight?" 

As his eyes widened he said, "No. I can be the bitch." And told everyone to get out.

11:45 PM: We head down the trail. The flashlight beam is waning. He's still wheezing, even downhill. I'm imagining disaster scenarios and what my plan of attack will be. 

If the flashlight goes out: we'll just walk slow. Our eyes will adjust, even though there is no moon that night. 

If someone twists their ankle on the rocky terrain: I am a really good piggy-back ride giver (my 6 yr old nephew says it's my best talent, and I even dropped him once!).

If Old Wheezy behind me passes out: There are enough other people on the trail that present as experienced outdoors people. They would help us. 

12:30 AM: A disaster almost happens as the other girl in the group slips on a ledge, and almost plummets to her death. Luckily, one of the guys had quick reflexes (not my guy) and grabbed her arm. So there he is clutching her one hand, as her feet dangle down a steep, deep ravine with a rocky bottom. One of the other guys (again, not my guy) helped pull her up. She showed me her leg when we got to the bottom, and it looked like it had been chewed up. She was incredibly nonchalant about the whole thing. I, on the other hand, was about to freak out. 

1 AM: We finally get to the car. With cell phone reception returned coming out of the canyon, I text my sister to tell her I have not been abducted, and am on my way back to her house. "I was beginning to worry!" she texted. "Are you OK?" 

"Yes. Just glad to be on my way back."

Understatement of the century. 

1:30 AM: We go to 7-11 as everyone is parched. 

REASON #9 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: He did not offer to buy me even a small bottle of water. And in fact didn't even really talk to me in the convenience store, except at one point, trying to be funny, when he said, "Oh! That's what you look like!" (as we were in the dark most of the night).

Yep. This is what I look like. And I am damn cute, and you will never see me again, and it is totally your loss. 

Never mind what I was thinking about what he looked like...

1:35 AM: The entire group stays in the car and drives me back to Pleasant Grove.

2 AM: We pull up to my sisters house. As I got out of the car (no move made by him to get out, walk me to the door, anything) I said to the group, "Thank you for what was quite the adventure, and is sure to be an incredibly memorable evening."

And I shut the door. And I went inside.

There, my cute sister (albeit pushy) was curled up on the couch with a blanket waiting for me. (she was taking much credit for getting us together at the beginning of the night, as we met because of her insistence, and she drove me to his house... Since then, she has fallen silent on her level of involvement in the matter... But she did wait up 'till 2 am. Then listened to me rant and rave even longer. So all is forgiven.)

So. 

That was my Action/Horror/Whatever You Want To Call It Adventure Date.

REASON #10 I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH HIM AGAIN: Even my mother, who is the most forgiving (I say undiscerning, she says open minded) out of anyone when it comes to this experiment of mine says that I am never allowed to go out with him again.

Word of the Day: SUSPENSE

[suh-spens]

–noun

1. a state or condition of mental uncertainty or excitement, as in awaiting a decision or outcome....

According to WIKI: Suspense is a feeling of uncertainty and anxiety about the outcome of certain actions, most often referring to an audience's perceptions in a dramatic work.

SO- did the suspense get you??? 

The amount of people that have told me they MUST hear what happened on my date is equal parts flattering, embarrassing, but mostly amusing. Really? You all are that invested? I feel like you all are maybe more invested in my dates than I even am at this point!! 

So- you ask. LINDA- WHAT HAPPENED??

But before I get into that...

(SUSPENSE!)

May I make mention of one momentous point?

I have not had more than one date in a calendar year since I can't remember when. 

And because of this experiment, not only did I have more than one date this year, I had TWO DATES IN ONE WEEK!!!!  This is something that has NEVER happened in my LIFE!  That's right, I went out with another guy this weekend. One besides the non- committal non-showerer. 

And NOW I will fill you in on the details...  

So back to this: LINDA!! WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!

Well, the short answer is: Not a whole lot.

I am not madly in love. I am not anxiously awaiting his next phone call. I think if he did call again, I would give it another go, however my one word summation is...

Eh... (Picture this with a slight shrug of the shoulders)

Nice enough. Kind of dull. 

(Please note: I don't do dull.)  

As some of you mentioned, they make good husbands, they do laundry, etc. But after 31 years of waiting around I'm not settling for dull. I need some upmh. He had no umph.

He did not stir the passions of my soul. 

The Dodo peanut butter pie did more for me than he did... 

Now, thus far in my experience I have been a sort of star in what resembles a Romantic Comedy of my own making. It is cute and fun, and I have my anecdotal stories that I share. The Dodo was perhaps one in a montage of disaster dates, where you hear the song "Mama Said," by the Shirelles.

 "Mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mama said...."

Where you, my audience, share in my pain, but laugh and say, "Oh that Linda! What kind of shenanigans is she going to get into next?"

Date #2 was where- SURPRISE- I become an action adventure star!! 

AND- SUSPENSE-

I will post all about it tomorrow!!!! 

Face To Face

So it happened.

I met one.

In person.

Face to Face.

I will perhaps get into the details of the actual encounter in later posts, but for today I want to focus on leading up to said meeting.

Now, this was the boy who said, several times, “have you had any luck with online dating?” from the previous post.

No, dude, I haven’t, and obviously neither have you, and I can maybe see why?

But then he emailed saying, “We should meet in person.”

Yes. Yes, we should, I answered.

Here is my phone number.

The next day I received an email saying, “Great, how about this day. Here’s my phone number.”

Now, maybe I’m crazy.

Maybe I don’t understand the dating social structure.

But if I give a boy my phone number, and we’ve discussed a meeting, doesn’t that mean he’s supposed to call me? As the man? Not chicken out and throw it back on me?

So, being the person that I am, I sent him this text:

“Hello- It’s Linda. You cheated! You can’t give your number after I already gave mine!! Why don’t YOU call ME tomorrow, and we can make a plan?”

And guess what. He did.

(I had a glimpse the possible future and who would wear the pants in this pairing...)

Now I’m not much of a phone talker- I kind of hate the phone. So I can’t judge him on the initial conversation too harshly. But he’s obviously not a phone talker either.

Or a planner, as I made all the decisions.

(BOYS WHO READ THIS: Girls like when you have a plan!)

So we have a meeting time, a meeting place.

This show is getting on the road.

8:30 for dessert at the Dodo in Sugarhouse.

(because even if the dates a fluke, who cares when you have that peanut butter pie in front of you????)

I get a phone call at 8 p.m.

CONVERSATION:

(we will call him Boy for this activity)

Linda: Hello?

Boy: (monotone, quiet) Hi.

Linda: How are you today?

Boy: Fine.

Linda: Good! So what’s up? (reaching- because, remember- he called me...)

Boy:... So.... I’m just leaving Bountiful. (he was at a Golf Tournament all day).

Linda: Ok. Do we need to meet later? I am totally fine with that.

Boy: Um... I don’t know....

Linda: Well, how long will it take you to drive here? I am very flexible.

Boy: Um... I don’t know....

Linda: Alright. Well, this is totally up to you. You tell me what works for you.

Boy: Um.... Well... I’m all sweaty. If I go home and take a shower it will be later.

Linda: So should we say 9:30? Is that what you want to do?

Boy: Um.... Well... I don’t know.

Linda: Again, I am totally flexible. You tell me.

Boy: ...Let’s meet earlier...I don’t want to shower. But I’ll be all sweaty. I don’t smell too bad, I don’t think.

Linda: That remains to be seen, Boy. That remains to be seen.

AND- scene.

Now to his credit he didn’t stink.

(But I’ve never had very strong olfactory senses)

But here’s the thing. That conversation told me, “I don’t really care all that much about the impression I give you. And I don’t want to take the time to put my best self forward for you.” I mean, the guy lives in Sugarhouse, and we were meeting at the Dodo? If he went home to shower first it would have been an extra, what, 15 minutes? If that??

So, loyal readers, I want your input. Should he have taken the time to shower? How much should a guy have a plan and “take charge” on a date? Am I being my totally irrational judgmental self, or do I have a point here?