Don't I know you from somewhere?...

So what happens when you are matched with someone that you already know?
Or someone that a friend knows?
Well, I’ll tell you...

You freak out and scream a little!

Yes, I was matched with someone that one of my best friends knows.
It was bound to happen.

When you are a part of the Mormon church, the 6 degrees of separation for the rest of the world drops drastically.

DRASTICALLY!!
But I digress...
We thought, when discussing him, that it must be someone else. It’s a common name, right?

(no, not really...)

She saw the picture.

IT WAS HIM.

And friends, he is not the catch that he presented himself as on the site.
We called her sister, who knew him better, to get the real scoop.
And here’s the real scoop.

HE’S MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!

Are you totally freaked out??

Are you screaming???

Are you thinking, "this is what they always say about online dating!!

It is all married weirdoes that will take advantage of you!!"

Yeah, that is what I was thinking and doing too.
I was ready to throw in the towell.
If these are the freaks on here, I didn’t want to have any part in it!!

We called another person in the know, who had worked with the accursed match in the past.

And we learned that he actually got a Divorce 6 months ago...
Phew!
And that is why I am still on the site.
(I mean, really. It hasn’t even been 2 weeks yet. I’m just looking for any excuse to jump ship, right?...)
Oh, and the guy?
Compulsive lier.
Lied on resume's about 2 college degrees that he never got
Listed his occupation as Engineer- actual occupation? Sets up sound equipment for local community theater performances.

And that is why I am no longer communicating with him.

Where did I get to this point, you may ask?

The point of online dating??

I ask myself the same question.

Daily.

I think it’s origin can be traced back to one person...

Zane Lee Christiansen.

I was in 6th grade.

I was 11.

I was in love.

It was the first year of Junior High, a difficult time for any small child.

An exerpt from my journal at the time says something to this effect:

“Dear Diary,

There are 2 horrible things happening right now. #1. Zane has a Girlfriend! #2. My parents are getting a Divorce. Now back to #1!! I can’t believe Zane has a girlfriend!!!”

(That excerpt could be analyzed as the root of my problems for many different reasons, but lets stick to Zane for this particular analysis, shall we?)

He was in my grade at school, and in my class at church. I knew everything about him because of church. I knew his birthday. I knew his home address. I knew his phone number. I would get my older sister to do drive by’s in front of his house. I would duck down so he wouldn’t see me (never mind that we were driving my Dad’s HUGE Cadillac that had the license plate “BEITLER”- not too discreet).

The problem was that I never spoke to the boy.

Then one day it happened.

We were in church. It was time to sit down, to get ready for the lesson and songs. I was wearing a long sleeved knit red dress. He tapped me on the arm. I turned, and was completely dumbfounded.

Zane Lee Christiansen had tapped ME on the arm. HE had something to say to ME!

Me: turning towards him, expectantly.

Zane: “Are you the teacher?”

Me: pause ................... “No” ...................

Zane: Turns away, looking for the teacher.

Me: Still dumbfounded, but for completely different reasons.

It had never occurred to me that I was 2 heads taller than him. That I looked 14 or 15. It had also never occurred to me that he truly had no idea who I was. After all my drive by’s! My prank calls! My pointed staring longingly across the playground, across the pews!

Needless to say, insecurity and doubt came creeping in with regards to the opposite sex.

And here I am, 20 years later, still hoping that one of these cyber geeks will tap me on the arm.

Decisions, Decisions...

Here are some of the guys that I was matched with recently. (And you wonder why I gag at this process?)

Raymond.

No picture. Works in security.

William.

Beard that would rival zz top, can’t live without his motorcycle

Daniel.

Has a picture wearing a tee w/ Fezzig (From The Princess Bride) on it, and it says “anybody want a peanut” -perhaps going for irony, as he looks like a relative of Andre the Giant.

Travis.

Of all the choices of things his friends would say about him, he chose phisically fit. Has many shirtless pictures.

Jeff.

Quote from his profile: "if you're looking for someone who has lived morally upright and on the straight-and-narrow his entire life, keep looking."

Phillip.

39, has 3 daughters, one is graduated from high school.

Gregg.

His picture shows him trying on his new gun belt.

So it's come to this at last.

A sad truth about my life is that I don’t date.

Like, ever.

I have averaged one a year for the past decade, all of them set ups, with no promising outcomes.

To add to the mix through out my 20’s were a collection of boys who turned out to be either “not that into me” or gay.

• From a guy I hung out with daily, and exclusively, for several years: “Linda. I don’t know why I’m not attracted to you.I must just be really shallow.” (Ouch. I went home and agonized over every imperfection, wondering as to which one he was referring.)

• From a guy I kissed daily and exclusively, for several months, years after the fact. “Linda, I never really was that attracted to you. It was just so convenient because all of our friends were dating.”

• From a guy I hung out with and would have kissed. “Linda, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Doug.”

I’ve curiously maintained friendships with all of them after these horrendous comments,

watching them marry,

have babies,

come out...

always wondering what my problem was as I went on my annual date.

So at 31 I am swallowing my pride.

I am throwing caution to the wind.

I am opening myself up to the Universe

for opportunities.

I HAVE SIGNED UP FOR ONLINE DATING...

And as I can’t talk about it without rolling my eyes or making a gagging reflex,

I will communicate it’s progress in the way I do best.

Through satiric prose.

So wether you are reading to live vicariously, appreciate what you have more deeply, or to laugh wholeheartedly, enjoy.

lmb