Believe

It was only a few years ago that one of my nieces learned THE TRUTH.

That Santa Clause, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Papa Noel, Sinterklaas- isn’t real.

GASP!!

(I’m sorry if I just spoiled anything for any of you.)

She was an avid believer. 

She believed with her whole entire being.

When she was 11 and Christmas was around the bend, she was having a conversation with my sister and her siblings about what all the kids wanted for Christmas.

“I want a DS-i,” She said.

“Well, dear, those are kind of expensive. I’m not sure if we can afford that this year. Is there anything else you may want?” my sister asked.

“Oh, Mom,” she said, in the condescending tone only an 11 year old girl can have. “Don’t worry about it. You can get me something cheaper. That is fine. I’ll just ask Santa for a DS-i. That is what my best friend did last year, and it totally worked!! She got exactly what she wanted! Santa will take care of it.” 

“I’m sorry....What?” my sister asked, dumbfounded.

“Santa will take care of it.”  Case closed.

My sister turned to her other, older daughter. “Is she kidding?”

The 14 year old shrugged.

They were both astounded. They assumed that at her age, she would know The Truth. Neither of them had spilled the beans, but don’t such things come up at school? What were these kids talking about at recess?  Nobody else had told her?!  

As it came closer and closer to Christmas, it was apparent that she really meant it. 

She really believed that Santa was going to bring her that present.

And so my sister did what any rational parent would do.  

She told the 14 year old: “You have to tell her.”

So bless her heart, she did. She sat her sister down on her bed and said she had to tell her something important. 

“Santa Clause isn’t real. 

There is no North Pole. 

No Reindeer. 

No Elves...

And he is not going to bring you the DS-i.”

At first she didn’t believe her. Why would her sister play such a cruel joke on her? Of course Santa is real. 

When she finally realized she was being told the truth, she was absolutely devastated. Her parents were both called into the room, and between heartbroken sobs were accused of being deceitful liars.  They always taught her how important it was to tell the truth, but here they had been lying to her for more than a decade. 

This also brought up new questions. 

The Easter Bunny? 

The Tooth Fairy? 

ALL of them!!?!?!?

She moped about for days.

I went to their house, and was informed that the proverbial bomb had been dropped. She didn’t want to talk about it at all, so all I did was put my arms out. She ran into them, and we hugged, and it was all I could do while I held her to not break down myself. Her little world was shattered. 

Sometimes, as a 32 year old single lady, I feel a little bit like my niece that Christmas. Clinging to a silly belief. 

With each online subscription and subsequent emails/texts/dates, I feel like I’m asking for a DS-i. Sure it seems incredibly unlikely, given my track record. Until trying the online dating scene, for the last decade my male interaction was slim to none. 

But if you just believe, then it will happen, right?

I’m sure my niece had some doubts. She knew there were incongruencies in the logistics of how Santa worked. But it worked for her friend. Her friend got just what she had asked for the previous year. 

Magic can explain how it all works, but with the absence of magic in the day to day, she must have questioned why this would be the exception.

But she hoped for magic.

For the most part, my romantic life has been absent of magic in the day to day.  

It’s hard to conceptualize the reality of something that is that distant, that foreign.

Me having a real relationship seems as incredulous as Old Saint Nick coming down my chimney.

I want there to be an exception in my life. 

The absence of magic everyday can’t mean that magic isn’t possible. 

I hope for the magic.

Some days are incredibly positive. I really believe.  I go to the North Pole in my mind and I really hear that bell ringing (Polar Express, anyone?).

And some days I’m just waiting for someone to sit me down and tell me The Truth- the truth that everyone already knew, but just didn’t want to dash my hopes and say: that maybe it just isn’t going to happen.

But still I hope for the magic.

And so I put myself out there. More than most of you even know. I was advised to have no regrets, and so in the last several months I tried to do that. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and then some. It seems to have backfired terribly (when you tell someone, “hey, you take the lead,” and then you never hear from them again, I’m thinking that’s not too promising a sign).

But still I hope for the magic.

If there is one thing I know about the Holiday Season it is that it brings magic.

And dammit, I still have all that lipgloss.