Sliding Doors: I am no Gweneth or Are You Better of Now Than A Year Ago?

A few weeks ago I had a Gewenth Paltrow moment. 

As much as I wish it was a Gweneth Iron Man 3 moment, where I show you my rockin’ hard abs, we know that my hips don’t lie, and they sure as hell don’t look like hers, nor does any other part of me.

My Gweneth Moment was a Sliding Doors moment.

You may recall the 1998 indie favorite, whose synopsis on the IMDB reads:

“A London woman's love life and career both hinge, unknown to her, on whether or not she catches a train.”

My train was a public transportation light rail system in the heart of Salt Lake City.

I was meeting friends downtown, for an unsuccessful attempt at trying the new(ish) hotdog joint. (seriously? What kind of restaurant closes at 4 pm every weeknight?)  

I was exploring spots in the city that host free we-fi. When you’re already a recluse, working from home can be problematic. Like when you realize you’ve worn the same sweats for four days in a row, and can’t remember the last time you washed your hair. So I was going OUT. I actually showered, put on a cute outfit (which was very important to me later in the evening), and I went to the Barnes and Noble at the Gateway mall. 

I planned on catching the TRAX train to meet my friends.  And as I was meandering over to the station, I saw the train arrive. I was still a good half a block away, and on the wrong side of the street.

And so I ran.

Nay, I sprinted my little guts out.

I almost puked.

I ran harder than hard.

Records were beat on this sprint.

I got to the train and reached my hand out and was mere inches away from the door…  as it closed in my face.

I was defeated.

I was sweaty.

I stood there panting for a minute, and looked up at the sign informing me that the next train wouldn’t arrive for 15 minutes.

I am embarrassed to admit, for those of you who don’t live in Salt Lake City, that the distance I was going to travel on the train was only about 4 blocks.

The 80’s classic hit says that nobody walks in LA. You can also safely say nobody really walks in Salt Lake either.

And so I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to walk, not ride, the few blocks I had to travel.

But it was a gorgeous day, one of the first warm and blue skied days we had enjoyed. And I love this beautiful little city.

So I walked. 

After a few empty blocks, imagine my surprise when I got to a street corner, and saw someone walking towards me, crossing the street.

It was HIM.

He was walking with a petite and pretty brunette (puke), and as they got closer, I stopped walking, pointed at him with a smile and said, “Hey! You!! How crazy!”

She brushed right by me, without a second glance.

And he said hello, exchanged short and awkward pleasantries with me, but

DIDN’T. 

EVEN. 

STOP.  

I found myself pivoting while he walked past, and then bid me farewell, and ran to catch up to his itty bitty friend (double puke).

And I turned around slowly, completely baffled, and crossed the street.

And then I got MAD.

As I was walking and fuming, (and glad I had on such a cute outfit...) I remembered the Gweneth Paltrow movie. 

She was put on a new trajectory by missing her train.

When pressed to say what quality I’m looking for in a possible relationship my answer used to be, “Unabashed adoration.”

I sure as hell wasn’t getting that from this fellow. But it took him ignoring me on a random street corner to get it in my thick skull.

The first time I saw him, years ago, I rode TRAX to meet him. So it seemed fitting that the same train closing its doors would end that chapter.

When I was at the Gap for oh so many years, I would joke about my persona I put on while there. I called her Gap Linda, and she did so many things that Real Life Linda did not do. She would boss people around. She would have direct and difficult conversations. She would have the nerve to say and do things that Real Life Linda would never, EVER, in a million years say or do.  It was a part I played, and my high school drama teachers would have been so proud of me, because I played it so well.

As I’ve been away from that job, and Real Life Linda has taken over, I find myself missing Gap Linda. There are so many direct questions I would have liked to have asked this fellow, about how he views himself in relation to his friends, his family, his God. But I never had the nerve. The difference with Gap Linda and Real Life Linda is that Gap Linda learned how to not take it personally, and not be vulnerable. Real Life Linda had nothing to be BUT vulnerable. And so she chickened out on many occasion.  Pretty much on every occasion.

But the thing is, and here's the kicker: Gap Linda IS Real Life Linda who are both just little old Linda Marie.

The season finale of Parks and Recreation (I heart Ben Wyatt and want to be Leslie Knope) posed this question to the town of Pawnee:

Are you better of now than you were a year ago?

As I ponder that question I think of all the changes I’ve encountered since last Spring. HUGE changes. Anxiety inducing, life altering changes.

And I’m better off.

Even with missing the train. (Especially with missing the train?) And Gap Linda and Real Life Linda will find a way to merge to create this unstoppable Linda Marie who will find all her dreams, Unabashed Adoration included.

How that's going to happen? I haven't a clue. 

Gap Linda was good at working out plans and details. I'll ask her...