Hold Onto Your Butts- Samuel L Jackson

Now my dating experiences have run the gamut in ridiculous scenarios.

I’ve been lost in the woods in the middle of the night, been told how potent a fellow is, been told of the gun arsenal one had in his trunk, and been accosted by a French Man.

But tonight was a new one.

I made someone physically ill.

Well, perhaps I didn’t make my date ill.

But, still.

He became physically ill.

On the date.

Mind you, this was a date that I had been looking forward to. We know how rare an entity that is in my life, but I had plans for this date.

Expectations.

The Universe does love to thwart Expectations.

He warned me at the beginning of the evening that he didn’t feel well, that he had thrown up this morning, and his stomach had been a bit upset all day.  But he didn’t want to cancel, he said. He wanted to be there.

In an attempt at levity, I said, “Maybe it was just nervous anticipation of seeing me tonight!” Because truth be told, I had been experiencing that very problem the entire afternoon.

“No,” he said, with no trace of humor in his voice. And as we walked into the movie theater, he excused himself to the restroom...

But I wasn’t discouraged yet. Me and those Expectations had spent some quality time together, and I wasn’t going to let this deter our plans we had painstakingly made.

I had asked close friends for advice, for encouragement, for wisdom before the evening had begun.

My best friend, who is also coincidentally and helpfully a therapist, helped me role-play leading conversation starters.

Another friend said to me, and I quote, “during the part where he's painting her naked on the couch, pop your chest out! Works like a charm.”

Except that we were going to see Jurassic Park, not Titanic, and we couldn’t decide what could be made sexy in the context of Velociraptors, but perhaps, to a straight man, such things are.

Me and my Expectations came walking into that movie theater hand in hand, ready to conquer.

We sat down, my date and I, waiting through the previews. And I could tell he didn’t feel well. This particular fellow always has a twinkle in his eye, and a quick wit. But tonight he was subdued. Quiet.

The movie started. 

The 20^th Anniversary 3D limited engagement re-release of Jurassic Park.

We actually had seen this movie once together, at a summer movie in the park awhile back. He could quote most of the movie, and because I was smitten I found it adorable rather than obnoxious.  Me and my Expectations had remembered that night, and thought this repeat engagement would be a perfect opportunity for something- ANYTHING- to happen.

But about 15 minutes in, he had to excuse himself.

And I sat there alone, with my 3D glasses on.

He finally returned.

Except he left one seat empty between us when he sat down.

He turned to me apologetically and said, “I promise it is better this way… Do you have any gum?”

And that was when I saw the Universe walk in, take my Expectations by the hand, and escort them out of the theater.

He sat and endured it for another 20 minutes or so. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was fidgety. Uncomfortable.

I tapped his arm across the empty seat, and whispered, “How are you doing?” when it was perfectly obvious that he wasn’t doing well.

“I’m fine,” he said, looking pained. And then, “Actually… I think I’m going to leave. I’m so sorry!”

And that was when I saw the Universe walk in, take my Date by the hand, and escort him out of the theater.

We had met at the theater, due to work constraints, mixed with movie times. And so he went on his not so merry way.

And I sat there. 

Alone. 

With my 3D glasses on.

Jurassic Park is a really good movie. 20 years later, it truly stands the test of time.

But I am telling you, there is absolutely nothing sexy about Velociraptors.